Gremlin 2017 "Salty" Joe Solmo Reviews...



Plot. A loved one gives you a box and it has a timer. A gremlin pops out and kills your family. Where can I get one?
All times are estimated, I wasn't really watching the clock...

10 mins in...

So far I see several runners for the worst acting awards. the Nicolas Cageys. I have seen better acting from the kid in Jack-O.
So far the best part is the trailers for other movies. Cold Moon and Circus Kane. Which now i wonder if I even want to attempt to find.

20 mins...

The jump scare of the kid having a bad dream was only horrible because these people are having kids. None of the adults can act worth a shit.

Something good to say:
Monster was decently rendered. Not the movements or anything, just the textures.

30 mins...

A welcome interruption at the door as I got my Poultrygiest shirt from pizza party printing in the mail. Hail Troma.

Angry dad yelling at ansty teen daughter. Breaking the news of grandma in the most stoic, robotic voice. The 6 year old kid has better acting skills than the father.

Cue monster...

Robot dad yells to show emotion. That's how we show emotion isn't it?

Middle child story. Family is cursed I guess. Marsha Marsha Marsha!

Robot dad loves side chick? Give her the fucking thing then.

40 maybe minutes...

Monotone explainations from dad.
Hysterical pregnant teen.

"Can't imagine what your feeling." Of course not, your a robot, dad.

He would be perfect for serial killer role.
Sleep on the couch? Robots don't need sleep.

Why does he have electric power tools set up outside like its an inside shop? Doesn't it rain there? What the fuck!?!?

Let's burn the demon box. We all know demons are susceptible to fire. That's not at all like Hell is. You know, where demons fucking live?

Mom doesn't want to kill the side chick? Doesn't sound like any female i know. 

Where did she get a gun?

50 mins ish...

Why are the only good actors the children? 

Crazy Uncle Jim needs Crazy lessons. He just comes off as a bad actor. Maybe the gremlin is Nicolas Cage and spreads his shitty acting to the closest humans. That would be a terrible curse. Now it is a scary movie.

Is it worse to die to the creature's one stab wound to the chest? Or watch this movie?

Neat. It stabs the pregnant teen in the belly. I'm guessing killing the fetus?

Somehow having a dead fetus in you means your legs don't work...

"I lost it in the air ducts" well that's long after you lost me, Gremlin 2017...

Maybe the father is a serial killer, he now has 2 bodies in the basement. Could he be working with the creature to kill his family so he could be with the side chick? No, that might actually make a decent movie.

Cops arent actors, or actors can't cop? Either way it's a terrible clusterfuck of bad acting.

Ooh now a gypsy is getting involved? The movie can only get better from here.

About an hour...

Mom babysits the dead, talks to them, reminiscing.

Guilt trip mama! No wonder the father has a side chick.

Would u chose her over Charlie?

It's bad to lie to a cop. It's worse when you can't fucking act. Any cop would see through this shit. Except a cop who also can't act so doesn't realize what bad acting looks like.

Side chick getting the box and some D?

Box is given, time for the D. I think he said "wait" 23558552222 times in the last 3 minutes.

He is yelling to show emotion again. Didn't work last time, he was just louder.

70 mins or so.

I'm gonna try the thing we tried before and failed at. It's bound to work this time. Definition of insanity?

The monster's box beats his Camaro home? WTF is in that box a hemi?

Must be time for emotion again. He is yelling.

He gets cold when emotional, need a sweatshirt... and sporting equipment.

80 mins...

Why is it taking so long to come out of box. Demon pauses for dramatic effect.

Badass automatic camaro. I wish they didn't show him shifting so I could believe it was cool car.

Running chase, no way he could keep up. Did it really run all the way to the hotel?

The box is there in the room. Hemi power again but who was driving? Hemi powered T.A.R.D.I.S.?

Wife died...Meh.

Cue aliens torso burst.

Now it's only the boys left. Let's go back home where the thing has killed the most people. That seems safe.

Cue emotional song. They are sad. They can't act sad so the song tells us so. Thanks, song!

Ooh yeah, the gypsy. I forgot...

Ah an explanation.

A box from God...sure, makes sense.

Box in everyshot is a nice touch.
As he searches for Charlie.

A nonemotional, emotional convo with dad and son.

Cops find mom.
Then act poorly for a few minutes.

Time for a search warrant? I guess so.  Only 5 FUCKING deaths around this guy.

Son: "Dad give me the box."

Father: "I can't son."

Son: "Is it because you don't love me?"

Fucking needy kids!!

Infinite gremlin?

Kid runs like he acts, and he is down after 2 steps.

Cue crazy uncle. Uncle Suicidey takes one for the team.

Sheriff's arrive just in time to arrest dad?

Somehow monster gets big.  Size dependant on how many people are around? Why worry about holes in the story now?

It can throw CGI cop cars, good thing they aren't real. No one has ever been hurt by bad CGI. well that's not true, the audience has.

It shrunk when the cop picks the box up. oh, okay.

The last lines sum up this movie.
"What is it doing?"
"I don't know."

There's deleted scenes? Do they explain the plot? Or why everyone can't act?

Final Thoughts:

I have seen worse, that's for sure, and the basic idea wasn't bad, just poor execution i think.


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