by Joe Solmo

“Here we go,” I said as the door creaked open. Torchlight illuminated the doorway and the large stone chamber within. “Hey Skrat, what’s the deal with this guy?” I asked as I watched my friends disappear one by one into the room. I quickly followed them, never being much of a leader, I was more comfortable as a follower. I excel at having no responsibility. Born for it, really.

The inside of the chamber was large. Larger than any of the previous rooms we have seen. Tables lined either wall, covered in dishes of food. Steam rose from the platters adorning the hard, smooth oak surface. At the far end of the table was a large Throne, it was entirely covered by the largest person I have ever seen. I don’t mean like Moose, I mean like twice as wide as the big guy. Like the moon grew limbs. Sir Immensity hung over the sides of the throne, covering the arms that I assumed was there.

The large man was covered in crumbs, and empty plates littered the floor all around him. Cowering in the corner were two emaciated people, wearing loincloths. “Hey Skrat.” I said in a sing-song voice. “What can you tell us about those two?” I said as I held the book up so he could get a good look around the chamber and its inhabitants.

“We are his servants,” one of them said.

“Yes,” Skrat affirmed.

“Thanks, kid. Real helpful,” I said.

“We serve Lord DeCarl his meals. You must leave now. He will awaken,” the servant said and took an unsteady step closer. He tried to keep his voice low.

“Let us slide a blade into him and be done with it,” Sreg suggested. I thought it was a great idea myself and let my companions know.

“If the Lord awakens it will not end well for you. He is a man of ...unique tastes. He will devour you,” the servant said. He walked into the light, and we could see him more. There were bite marks all over his body. Semi-circles of wounds worked their way down his legs and across his chest. In some places hunks of flesh were missing, healed over. It took a second for what I was looking at to really sink in. Being a soldier will do that to you sometimes. You kind of get desensitized to the atrocities humans can afflict on each other.

“We seek the Moon Door which we cannot get to without defeating the seven evils,” Jarris said in a voice that dripped superiority. How can anyone be so sure of anything? How can he have faith?

“You have come to deliver us from evil?” the second servant asked, taking a timid step towards them. When he stepped into the light we noticed he was missing his left arm down from the elbow.

“Fatty grab himself a midnight snack?” I asked in my usual tone full of care and compassion for my fellow man. The servant absentmindedly rubbed the nub and glanced at the large sleeping man on the throne.

“He starves us, while he gorges himself,” he said. “On anything he has a taste for,” he finished. I saw tears welling up in his eyes. Every second that passed hope grew on the slave’s face. I hope he didn’t think we were saviors, we were just passing through.

“Shall we wake him and offer combat?” Zeeg asked.

“That would be the right thing to do,” Jarris said nodding to his protégé with a smile on his face. Suddenly the obese form on the throne roared out in pain. Its eyes open wide and its chins swayed in the motion of its mouth opening. A crossbow bolt protruded from its side. I didn’t have to turn to know Dead-Eye was holding his crossbow.

“What have you done?” the first servant asked before returning to the dark corner where we first found them.

“Sorry, I was going for a headshot,” my aiming impaired friend replied. Good ol’ reliable Dead-Eye. The bane of all his friend’s existence.

“Skrat, what do we do?” I asked the book as the large man struggled to his feet.

At first the kid didn’t answer. In fact, I couldn’t even see his image in the magical book. He must be taking a piss break behind the bookshelves, I thought. I watched as the servants cowered from their awakened master until Skrat’s voice once again got my attention.

“It says here that he was Lord over a kingdom long gone from existence. It used to be in the Sinclair forest. He was known for his lavish parties and banquets. From the time he seized power until his death the man gained something like four hundred pounds, totally giving up the life of a soldier for that of a rock. Rumors abound of cannibalism during his reign,” Skrat said through the book.

“I don’t think those are rumors. His boys have bite marks everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I am afraid to peek under those loincloths. The bastard was taste testing his servants,” I said as the big man grabbed a giant axe that rested next to his throne.

“You are a pessimistic, morbid son of a bitch, you know that Marsh,” Skrat said.

“I have heard that somewhere. You know the history lesson doesn’t tell us how to destroy him, kid,” I said into the book.

“I know, I know. I am giving you the information as soon as I get it. Sometimes the least helpful comes first. You got to understand how complex this library is…” Skrat said back.

“No, I don’t. That’s what you’re for,” I replied. “I don’t have to do anything but repeat what you tell me, or if it’s got too many syllables all I have to do is point you in the right direction.”

“Funny, really. Sometimes I forget what the old men think is comedy,” Skrat retorted.

“That’s pretty good kid. You might have a future yet,” I replied. A few seconds passed at Skrat tried to find what he was looking for.

“Find anything useful yet?” I asked.

“Leave me alone for three seconds and I might be able to find something,” Skrat said back annoyed. I decided to give him the three seconds of peace. I know I did, I counted it in my head.

“How about now?” I said.

“Looking. I will let you know,” Skrat said and disappeared from view. I guess he had enough of me. Oh well, sometimes it is hard to be surrounded by my comic genius all the time, I completely understand. It tiring just being me.

There was another roar from the big guy. “You shouldn’t have come here. I will pick your bones from my teeth. I will grind you up!” Brutus DeCarl said.

“Well which one is it? Grind us or pick our bones. I’m not sure you can do both. If they are grinded up they would be smaller…” I trailed off realizing I was drawing the large man’s attention and immediately regretting it. The big ball of evil charged, but it took a while for him to get all that large mass moving in my direction so there was plenty of time for Moose, Drejnin and Jarris to get in his way. Zeeg hung back by us regular humans without great weapons with his shield in front to protect us. Great, another fight I will be useless in. I’m sensing a pattern here.

I looked over at Dead-Eye. He wasn’t even preparing another shot. He just stood there watching the fight and cheering on our guys. If I didn’t know better I would think he got tired of everyone trying to decide what to do and just fired the crossbow to get things moving alone. I couldn’t blame him, really.

Moose swung into the big guys gut with his hammer, I felt the damn shockwave back here, I swear. I don’t know how he was still standing. Jarris and Drejnin started to pick their spots and sliced into the fat ass. At first Jarris tried it without the flashiness, but when he saw it wasn’t helping he activated the holy fire on his sword

I had to hand it to the big guy, he held his own against our three best warriors. Trading blows with Moose that rocked both big men. Drejnin was faster and got several hits into the soft flesh of Brutus. If the big guy felt it, he didn’t let on at all and continued to fight. Even the holy fire from the paladin didn’t seem to have much of an effect on him.

I watched as Weebly worked his way behind the behemoth without notice and climbed onto the throne, holding a turkey leg in his hand. “What the fuck is Weebly doing?” I asked Hall who stood beside me. We both watched dumbfounded as the dwarf struggled to climb the big throne while holding onto the food.

“If he’s that hungry why is he climbing?” I asked.

“Beats the shit out of me,” Hall said and watched as well. “Maybe things taste better at higher altitudes.”
            “You should leave the snarky comments to the experts. You know, me,” I said and stuck my tongue out at Hall.

“Marsh how is the battle going?” Skrat asked from the book.

“Everyone is holding their own, except Weebly who decided it was dinner time. Drejnin has struck the big bastard a couple times, but it doesn’t seem to be slowing him down,” I explained to the mage.

“Hey Skrat, does food taste better the higher up you are?” Hall asked.

“What?” Skrat asked.

“Figured you might have read something somewhere,” Hall said.

“What is he talking about, Marsh,” the mage asked.

“Never mind him, kid,” I said giving Hall a look.

“What is the dwarf doing now?” Skrat asked.

“Climbing the throne with dinner,” I replied and turned the book so Skrat could see.

“That’s it!” the mage said.

“Oh, is it. Why didn’t you tell us before?” I asked sarcastically. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

“Each of these guardians. Each champion of evil, had a special way to die,” Skrat started to explain.

“Oh, like slug girl?” I interrupted.

“Exactly. Now this DeCarl is a glutton. Think about it,” Skrat said as the battle raged on in front of us.

“We have established he was a fat-ass,” I said still not getting the point.

“Watch,” Skrat said as Weebly jumped onto the large sack of evil’s back. He held on with one hand as the man tried to shake him off. He took the turkey leg and swung it into the open roaring mouth of DeCarl.

“It’s feeding time?” I asked. Then I began to understand as DeCarl began to make weird noises. He was choking. Weebly was still holding onto the turkey leg, trying to wedge it sideways into the gaping maw of the fat ball of evil. I cringed as he bit down on the dwarf’s forearm causing Weebly to cry out in pain. I felt bad for the little guy and looked around for something to help him with.

“Here hold this,” I said giving the book to Hall and racing towards the table. I grabbed anything that could be a choking hazard, meats with bones were my first grab. Steaks, and poultry legs and wings and even what I think was the world’s largest pork chop. I ran towards the danger, the opposite of my normal operation. I must be getting sick. I will have to ask Hall for some kind of cure-all.

I reached them just in time. The big man fell, almost on top of me. I stood there clutching the choking hazards to my chest. Weebly stood triumphant on the large back of the evil creature as Jarris and Drejnin began to dismember DeCarl. Once again, I was useless. I was a minute to late in figuring out what I could do to help. I sighed and dropped the food on the floor.

“Give me the damn book,” I said and snagged it out of Hall’s hands. I felt bad about it a minute later, but Hall knows me enough to understand. Maybe I would apologize if I got the time. Seemed unlikely since I’m so busy holding this important book.

“Another evil vanquished,” Jarris said with pride in his voice. “Thank you, dwarf.”

“Aye, we couldn’t have done it without you,” Drejnin said shaking Weebly’s hand. The poor little dwarf’s entire form shook from the power of the Dreymorian’s handshake. I looked on, jealous of interaction. Fuck, I would give anything to as useful as that little asshole.

It took me a minute to calm down. Now I felt like the asshole. I glanced around the room trying to avoid any more deep thoughts on my part. That’s why I loved alcohol so much, it deadened those type of things. Made them tolerable to the regular folk like me.

After the gruesome task of cutting the big bad evil into smaller pieces of evil was done, we searched around the chamber for a hidden door, but didn’t find one, but we did find the exit that led farther into the cemetery.

Another big evil destroyed, without my help. Still no sign of the Dontu, Serius. Where had that bastard gone off too? I hope he wasn’t in trouble.

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